Downhill day
Today was just to shitty to not put in here. All begins with waking up then somehow deciding to take a nap before heading off to work. Translated that means I never really woke up when I was suppose. By the time I did finally get up, I was suppose to have been at work nearly an hour earlier! No breakfast for me and no gas was in my car. Well I can semi do without the breakfast, but my car can’t do without gas. So down to the station to fill up makes me even later.
Finally get to work and on the way in I scrapped my finger in some way against the door that caused a giant piece of skin to come off and have my finger bleed uncomfortably. It’s a really deep gash so it’s extremely fucking sensitive to everything, couldn’t even wash my hair a little earlier. I figured that was just me getting what I deserved for oversleeping today. Work itself isn’t to bad, I even had my first call with one of our very infamous customers. It wasn’t so bad, but she really did have my blood pumping. And she kinda had reason to be mad. Makes me feel like a real member of the tech support team after that. Also, just to give a jist of her reputation, without me telling anyone anything, 3 people already knew she was talking to me. One guy was even all the way across the room!
Rest of the night is the mostly typical night… I’m there for about an hour after ten because I was late and all that… Not that there were any managers that would have noticed that I stayed late then. Of course it wasn’t exactly a simple hour, apparently one of our dedicated servers is missing publishing services and that requires an reinstall of IIS… No biggie really I suppose, until lack of connectivity! Not good for a business running on the web! Not a complete lack, more like a lack of a functionality. The SQL 1433 port was apparently being blocked to external connections at one of the data centers. Ekk! Thinking the worst of things, I’m worried about firewalls, switches, routers, and all those configuration settings. But this is what the network guys are for, so a little pressure off. I make one call and hopefully that got things headed in the right direction.
I definitely been at work to long by that time. Figure it’s going to be a quick speedy drive home as brave the fear of a speeding ticket again. Everything seems good after I start my car and back out, then with no warning the car just gets mad at me with the oil light on and power steering craps out. Aww damn I think… Middle of the fucking night and my car is broke. Just then my mom calls because I should have been home like an hour ago. Tell her of my predicament and she has no clue as I pop my hood to check the oil levels. Engine oil is like way below the min, well shame on me for not getting the oil change when it was due. Figure I can just buy some from the gas station or something, so a walk across and down the street. A supermarket and 2 gas stations later, no oil for me to even buy! Think just great, call my mom to let her know and she tells me I thought there was some liquid substance under your car. Gee thanks for telling me now Mom! Plus I think some people driving in car called me a slut at the gas station! I don’t really want to have my dad come to bail me out of trouble, so I figure I better try the car again. Woot it works and lets me drive it! I make a slow drive home never exceeding 70 and feel paranoid the entire way that the car will get mad at me and stop again. However, I make it home.
All of that makes for one shitty day, got nothing done except make everything worst than before. My palms were just so freaking wet from the sweat that my body was pumping out in reaction to the pain of the cut if you could call it that. Even now it trembles a little bit because of the pain. But shittiness is not over yet, somehow I managed to stumble upon pictures of Dave on my computer. A set he sent to me after I had gotten rid of everything. Somehow seeing him physically has got me all riled up again. It’s been nearly 2 months since I decided to make a clean break from him and this had to happen.
He should of never sent those and I wouldn’t have found them tonight and I wouldn’t feel the way I feel. Which I don’t even know what I feel. I’m not exactly mad or sad or happy, but at the same time I’m not feeling indifferent as I should feel now. A very large part of me dislikes him for all the shit he has put me though, but a little soft spot in me wishes I could have back what we once had. That I would have had the guts that one night, there was one night that really changed everything without either one of us realizing it at the time. I think I would give so many things to change that one night, maybe if I hadn’t drinking, maybe if I had been drinking more, I don’t even know… I ceased complete contact with him about 2 months ago because he said certain things that completely contradicted himself. That basically means he was lying now or he was lying before. A lie is a lie no matter how you look at it and the fact that he was basically confirming he was a liar just made me sick of him and the lies. I suppose he thinks I don’t know certain things that I do…
Now he is with her and it just sickens me inside. Not so much that they are together, but because it’s her. If he was with someone else, like more his age and more with the same stage in his life I could understand. But no, he is with another under 21 girl in college. Not even a local college, but one that’s not even connected to the giant physical mass of the United States. Everyday that goes by I know they grow closer as we grow more distant.
The hardest part is knowing I can’t do anything now to change it. I let it go to far, I had a chance to stop it, but I decided then it wasn’t worth it. The second thoughts in me now feel it may have just been. Of course then I have to look over everything that has happen in a bout a years time, I wouldn’t be where I am if I were still with him. I wouldn’t be working full time, I wouldn’t be moving into my own place, and just all that stuff. I don’t see me and him together anymore, like I can’t even picture us together anymore. Part of me wants everything to just be the same again at some point, but it’s not hard to see it won’t be. It will never be like that again, nothing will ever be like that again. I accept that and don’t have plans for us for ever being anything again, but I feel like I’m not completely closed to it. Putting me in an odd position for the moment.
This is probably in large part to me not being with anyone right now. I’ve made that decision though, with taking on full time school and work I have little time for anything else. Certainly not enough time for me to be a good girlfriend… I’ve even got options, but I keep pushing them away. If I keep pushing, some of them may not come back and I’ll be all alone. I do wonder if I am pushing them away because of the time constraints or because of the unresolved things that I keep thinking about lately. I made time for someone who lived 2 hours away, but I can’t make time for guys that live literally minutes away? Guys are only going to ask me out so many times before they get tired of the rejection and stop. At the same time it’s not right for me to keep those that I have no interest in just hanging. And the little part of me thinks oh how much easier things would have been if me and him were still together. How much easier it would be to just say no to all of them and not beat around the bush.
I will state one thing for the record, I do like Shawn, but I am not going to risk the friendship over it. I really can see myself falling for him is the problem. Matt and I had our thing, but I was never into it and I never felt anything for him despite what he says he felt. That’s probably the only reason we are still able to be friends today. Time will tell all the things to come, late is better than never, and good things do come to those that wait. A cheesy ending…
Last thing, I’m also going to state for the record I’m probably going to talk to Dave soon and repeat our vicious cycle like we have so many times before. So more rants are to be expected soon.
And I’m Windows 98 :/
Which OS are You?
But kinda tied with
