I’m going CRAZY!!! 
So in a matter of less than 24 hours I’ve managed to go from ultra pissed to neutral ok to psycho bitch and just whatever else mood a person could have in between. I wish I could blame it on the vodka or it being that time of the month, but it’s really no excuse for the way I’ve been.
There are things I wish I could take back, but what has been done is done. I can’t undo or change them. Worse yet is it’s not over, at least not yet. Just kind of waiting for shit to hit the fan…
Looking at my actions, I don’t know why I did them, I just couldn’t stop myself. Even knowing it wasn’t right. Just madness going on in my mind, I should of stopped things before they begun. Yet, I didn’t and there I lie at fault for them. Certain things I just can’t understand, like this empty feeling when doing something with someone. It’s kind of like warning that things will go bad; I had the same feeling the last few times I was with Dave. Being right there with them, but feeling so detached from it.
I would love to blame Dave for being the root of all my troubles, but unfortunately that would be a rather weak argument that I couldn’t even justify in any coherent manner… However he plays a small role thru no fault of his own. I’ve been thinking I miss him and I guess trying to fill that void somehow where I felt safe and secure with him. Kind of missing the way that he use to make me feel, but at the same time knowing it’s impossible for that to happen between us again.
I’ve blamed myself over and over for a while about what happened, but no matter what I would have done, things would be the same as they are now. I use to think maybe if I had just taken blame and what not, that we could still be together. However, the truth stands that he was in to another girl even when he had me right there. It wouldn’t have worked no matter how hard I tried. It’s a real daunting feeling to know that there is nothing you can do to change matters.
Yet at the very same moment, I know I’m better off without him. Last semester I was able to do so much more because I wasn’t so consumed by feeling that I had to spend time with him. It wouldn’t have worked well with me trying to do so many things and still spend meaningful time with him. Just for example, the summer, if I were still with him. I totally wouldn’t be working this job or taking the classes I’m taking. I would probably downgrade myself to some job in Hicksville just so I could be close to him and be able to spend time with him. Taking my current priorities into account, he wouldn’t be anywhere in the top. My goals and objectives just don’t include him or he would be a hindrance on them. Of course it saddens me that he has a girlfriend that reminds him of me. It’s just weird… Though Dave has been pretty freaking weird lately…
Now to a different matter, I’m starting to feel a little excited that school is starting again. I will definitely miss the laziness I have now, but I can’t wait to get back into the routine of class, work, and hitting the gym. There is a certain euphoria from a good workout, so hopefully I can schedule blocks of time to hit the gym even with full time work and class. If not, my desk job will make my ass incredibly huger.
This week I really need to take care of going full time work stuff, pay UD their ridiculous tuition, starting looking at places to move to, and catch up in accounting. I’m so behind in that class, I even have the book right in front of me right now, but I’ve wasted a good amount of time just writing this.
And I got into a cat fight! I lost:
