Frustration…
The stupid thing that’s been on my mind lately as anyone would guess is Dave. I’m having this terrible time deciding whether I’m angry with him or that I still like him. One minute I’ll feel one way and just sway the other in the next. Thoughts of him are consuming a lot more time than I would like to admit. I don’t know if I ever really in love with him or was it just the idea of him, it’s totally confusing…
Last time we talked, he basically apologized for a recent spat we had. Just that isolated incident though, not of everything in the past… I know I’m thinking way to much into the whole thing, but it happens when I’m bored. He lied, he has never apologized for that. Not that it would really make a difference, the fact remains that he did it. I’m sure he continues to do it, which is irritating because of the fact he simply he has no reason to. More so that he never had a reason to lie to me. I’m sure there was some cheating too, but I can’t prove that one now…
Next thing is his new girlfriend, none of my fucking business really. However, he was talking her when we were still together which was totally disrespectful of me. Not that he cared much I suppose. I can’t imagine this new girl having anything that I couldn’t possibly have. The question that initially beckon me was exactly why her and not me? His reasoning was because she is more “worldly”, I never met the girl or nothing, but sounds dumb. How is he going to tell me that I’m sheltered? Been doing shit for me since I was a junior in high school. Sure I still live with my parents, but I bet the other girl does to. I’m sure she still fucking relies on mommy and daddy. I’ll sound like real ass if her parents are dead or something… Yet, I think I’m more than likely right my first assumption.
I bashed the hell out of him after he broke up with me, I’m sure this girl would do that same if she went thru what I did. Drive two fucking hours with tolls and have him ignore me…
Then there is that little part of me that still likes him, partly because he was the first guy where I felt like I really liked. Not some little crush like oh I think he is so hot or something. Quite honestly, Dave looks like a big freaking dork, but somehow I adored that. So I guess this is the part of me that wants to be with him. Yet, it doesn’t factor out in any way. I don’t have the time to spend with him in a real relationship, I won’t be happy with him because of many previously mentioned reasons, and don’t feel like I could ever trust him. It’s just like wanting something so bad, but once you get it, what then? You stop wanting it… I don’t know for sure if I’ll feel that way, but it seems like the most likely thing to happen given our history.
The right thing to do is stop thinking about it, because it gets more and more complex when I think about it…
Tom Petty said it pretty well: (I realize it’s kinda backwards too…)
Hey! don’t come around here no more
Don’t come around here no more
Whatever you’re looking for
Hey! don’t come around here no more
I’ve given up, stop. I ’ve given up, stop.
I’ve given up, stop. on waiting any longer
I’ve given up, on this love getting stronger
Don’t come around here no more
Don’t come around here no more
Don’t come around here no more
Don’t come around here no more
I don’t feel you anymore
You darken my door
Whatever you’re looking for
Hey, don’t come around here no more
I’ve given up, stop. I’ve given up, stop.
I’ve given up, stop. you tangle my emotions
I’ve given up, honey please admit it’s over
Hey! don’t come around here no more
Don’t come around here no more
Don’t come around here no more
Don’t come around here no more
Stop walking down my street
Don’t come around here no more
Who did you expect to meet?
Don’t come around here no more
Whatever you’re looking for
Hey! don’t come around here no more
Hey! honey please, don’t come around here no more
Whatever you’re looking for
Ah, oh, ah, ah.
Don’t come around here no more
Wish I had it in me to just do what needs to be done and just be happy with that.
Edit: Just mad about things I can’t change, doesn’t matter… I’m crazy and just love to drive myself insane with these thoughts.