the times of kryptoniteglows

So I got a 3 day weekend, which is sweet except I had nothing planned. However, it’s still been fun. I got my Accounting I test all done and ready to turn in, have to be getting an A in that class. So woot! I met with UD the other day and as it turns out, I’m the one that has to many assets. Even if my parents reduce their assets, my expected family contribution is still awfully high. Take my assets down by 90% reduces my contribution by like half! Part of me thinks the only logical resolution for this matter is to buy one of these:


Of course we know I’m not that wild and crazy. Probably kill myself in the thing, but it was a nice thought… And I wouldn’t really appreciate it after the first week. It really comes down to getting a new (used luxury) car or moving out by next year. I have some reasons for moving out and some reasons for staying so I’ll see how those things pan out over the next few months…

Next on my list of rantings is I’ve been thinking about the thing that is driving me nuts. It’s silly that I can talk to everyone about it except the person that it really concerns. I think my feelings stem out of things that aren’t realistic. I think a large part of it is due to desire of wanting things I can’t have. Because I know if I have it, I’m not exactly going to be all that happy. I would expect change to happen for me to be happy, but people don’t change. And that is pretty much the end of the story there. Even if things did change, I’d be to scared to really engage myself expecting that they would hurt me like they have in the past, so basically we would be screwed either way.

On that same token, knowing all that I do and having it all make logical sense, I worry if I do nothing today that I will have major regrets tomorrow. I mean all these what ifs are going to make me always wonder about what could have been if I had done such and such thing. Part of the whole thing is that I myself have to change as well to and I’m more than willing to do that. Old habits die hard, but I really am willing to work towards change. I want to prove that to them, but back of my mind knows it won’t do any good now. Yet risking to do nothing and just sit by idly doesn’t help at all either.

An interesting dilemma…I’ll drink to it…. Haha, the thing I’ve noticed lately with my drinking is that my tolerance is still shitty, but I don’t seem to give a crap about the consequences of whatever I do. Liquid courage? Either way I’ve got to go pick up some alcohol soon. I don’t want to drink beer again. Last night should have defiantly been a hardcore drinking night, but everyone had to get up early and it’s just not that much fun like that.

Other news, the papers have been signed and I’m now officially a full time salaried employee. Salaried kinda sucks, because I get no overtime even if I do work it! Arg! More and more I think about, more that I see myself being screwed of this. However, it’s not a contact so I can always leave if things get to bad. Got my first real credit card finally! A tiny 1K limit, but better than the ones that were for only a few hundred bucks. Wish I had it earlier, because I’ve spent close to 4K this month. Oh well, I’ll use it to buy my expensive ass books. Each one of my professors seems intent on using 2 books and all of them being published in the last few months. So finding a used copy is hard not to mention expensive when you do. So better off just getting the new one and being like fuck it.

Time to go get my fun in for the weekend, got to work 9-6 tomorrow.

So in a matter of less than 24 hours I’ve managed to go from ultra pissed to neutral ok to psycho bitch and just whatever else mood a person could have in between. I wish I could blame it on the vodka or it being that time of the month, but it’s really no excuse for the way I’ve been.

There are things I wish I could take back, but what has been done is done. I can’t undo or change them. Worse yet is it’s not over, at least not yet. Just kind of waiting for shit to hit the fan…

Looking at my actions, I don’t know why I did them, I just couldn’t stop myself. Even knowing it wasn’t right. Just madness going on in my mind, I should of stopped things before they begun. Yet, I didn’t and there I lie at fault for them. Certain things I just can’t understand, like this empty feeling when doing something with someone. It’s kind of like warning that things will go bad; I had the same feeling the last few times I was with Dave. Being right there with them, but feeling so detached from it.

I would love to blame Dave for being the root of all my troubles, but unfortunately that would be a rather weak argument that I couldn’t even justify in any coherent manner… However he plays a small role thru no fault of his own. I’ve been thinking I miss him and I guess trying to fill that void somehow where I felt safe and secure with him. Kind of missing the way that he use to make me feel, but at the same time knowing it’s impossible for that to happen between us again.

I’ve blamed myself over and over for a while about what happened, but no matter what I would have done, things would be the same as they are now. I use to think maybe if I had just taken blame and what not, that we could still be together. However, the truth stands that he was in to another girl even when he had me right there. It wouldn’t have worked no matter how hard I tried. It’s a real daunting feeling to know that there is nothing you can do to change matters.

Yet at the very same moment, I know I’m better off without him. Last semester I was able to do so much more because I wasn’t so consumed by feeling that I had to spend time with him. It wouldn’t have worked well with me trying to do so many things and still spend meaningful time with him. Just for example, the summer, if I were still with him. I totally wouldn’t be working this job or taking the classes I’m taking. I would probably downgrade myself to some job in Hicksville just so I could be close to him and be able to spend time with him. Taking my current priorities into account, he wouldn’t be anywhere in the top. My goals and objectives just don’t include him or he would be a hindrance on them. Of course it saddens me that he has a girlfriend that reminds him of me. It’s just weird… Though Dave has been pretty freaking weird lately…

Now to a different matter, I’m starting to feel a little excited that school is starting again. I will definitely miss the laziness I have now, but I can’t wait to get back into the routine of class, work, and hitting the gym. There is a certain euphoria from a good workout, so hopefully I can schedule blocks of time to hit the gym even with full time work and class. If not, my desk job will make my ass incredibly huger.

This week I really need to take care of going full time work stuff, pay UD their ridiculous tuition, starting looking at places to move to, and catch up in accounting. I’m so behind in that class, I even have the book right in front of me right now, but I’ve wasted a good amount of time just writing this.

And I got into a cat fight! I lost:

Hangovers blow! My thumb hurts because Peanut Butter got me, she is one awesome kitty though. Goes absolutely nuts over her toys leaps amazing distances in the air. Anyhow, had more than I could really safely tolerate last night, my tolerance has really gone in the shitter because I haven’t drank anything heavy in the past couple of months.

It made me do some stupid shit like talking to Dave and his friend about things I really shouldn’t have. Not so much as made, just that I didn’t really care about their implications then, now I’m like SHIT! Haha, oh well I suppose.

My LCD now has dropped over $50 in price in the course of a week! Arg, I’m angry now because it will probably even drop more before Dell’s quarter is over. To bad I couldn’t wait just a tiny bit later. If the price falls anymore, I’m tempting to get another one and run duals! Not that I have the space on this desk to do it though. Which was the reasoning for not getting the 24” or the dual 17”+. 15” duals could maybe fit, but just maybe.

My brother somehow managed to fry his mobo, his capacitors blew or some shit like that. The kid is constant breaking stuff! Luckily for him he never has to spend money to get new stuff because I always have something to give him. The bum has my calculator that he was only going to borrow for like 2 years and counting now. Has had my Duron box for a while, now he’ll probably get my 2.4 GHZ dell. I originally promised it to my mom because my brother is retard and plays games all day. So I rather him suffer on his 750 mhz Duron while my mom got my nicer box. Not that she needs it, all she does is looks at stocks online.

Stats I should be done, and just a about 2 weeks left of Accounting I. Then I shall be heading in to a full time schedule for work.