the times of kryptoniteglows

Tough, you think you’ve got the stuff
You’re telling me and anyone
You’re hard enough

You don’t have to put up a fight
You don’t have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don’t have to go it alone

And it’s you when I look in the mirror
And it’s you when I don’t pick up the phone
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I…that’s alright
We’re the same soul
I don’t need…I don’t need to hear you say
That if we weren’t so alike
You’d like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don’t have to go it alone

And it’s you when I look in the mirror
And it’s you when I don’t pick up the phone
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own

I know that we don’t talk
I’m sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you’re the reason I sing
You’re the reason why the opera is in me…

Where are we now?
I’ve got to let you know
A house still doesn’t make a home
Don’t leave me here alone…

And it’s you when I look in the mirror
And it’s you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own
Sometimes you can’t make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own

Haha… So half the people are gonna get that and the other half will think I’m high…

I met with the C++ professor and all seems to be going well with me staying in the class of course he gave me a problem that I completely over thought about, or more that I missed one value and ended up completely thinking way to deep in it. I am glad I that I can stay in the class. I want to add economics as my minor, but this stuff seems so darn confusing! Or I’ll have international business as my minor, that will definitely require study abroad and I think it would be awesome to have experience that at least one. The consensus seems to be that the classes are super easy if not cake during the study abroads. Just expensive, something like $7-8k for a month! Ahh! Well, I’ll start saving now and if I have to, I’ll take out the loan. It’s not that big a deal, the loans would help be build credit and all… Back to my international econ class, I think half the class wasn’t there today because they have dropped the class. Which is why I don’t why she assigned us partners for our project even before drop/add was over. No one in their right mind would want to add this class, but so many people are dropping. I lost one of my partners, but I don’t blame her, she is a freshman and it must have been so overwhelming.

So I got to get to Stats II where the professor seems to be confusing me even though he doesn’t have an accent…

Motley Crue – Enslaved

So be sure that you are making the best, making the best of life
And that you have the truth is all within yourself
And don’t be a slave to someone else
No don’t be a slave to someone else

So basically I’ve been not sleeping lately, just get a few hour long nap and go about my long ass days. Like today or well yesterday, got like 4 hours of sleep all night and tonight I still can’t just go pass out and sleep. I should be tired as fuck and just lie on my pillow and instant Zzzs! However, that’s not happening! Like mentally broken, wouldn’t surprise me though… My mind just can’t rest…

I realize this blog thing is some super cheap therapy for me, hell of a lot better paying some person hundreds of bucks an hour to listen to me talk years down the road. I’ve finally started overcoming some the things that my parents instilled in me. Just because they aren’t social, doesn’t mean I can be! Part of me is thinking so far ahead on how I’ll give my kids the things I never had, their dad will think I’m crazy for it, but I’ll love that he thinks I’m crazy. Really weird thought I know….

Somehow, everything will always be alright and even if it isn’t, it’s just life. You live, learn, and deal.

I know I should be taking more of my own advice, especially with the Dave thing… None of the stuff I bitch about really matters, we would have never made it out long term. Somehow, it’s just easier to bitch about it though. Not quite that I can’t deal, but that I took the blame for everything far to long when it never was solely on me, it was him too. Talking to him lately is a mixed blessing, telling him some of the things I should of a long time ago just kind of releases it from me, but even talking to him online gives me a rush of the nervous feeling like when I was with him. Just weird… A few days ago, I found this notepad with all this stuff I had planned on talking to him back about in January! It’s kind of silly because the first couple of pages was shit I had written down trying to crack his shit and then it’s followed by a list of just bulleted points of things I really wanted to talk to him about and following those pages were things I written down for spring semester (not class notes, but like getting classes and books). Then it stops until I needed some paper to use for my Stats homework….

I myself have just been… TO BE COMPLETED…

Blink 182 - Obvious
I saw you again (ya, ya, ya… [in background])
I think you used me again (ya, ya, ya… [in background])
Should we try this before we give up and move on
And pretend to restore what we have and hold on

And I was wondering
na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
And I was wondering
na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Yeah, and I was wondering
na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
I was wondering, yeah

Got to work be at work at 9 and well I can’t sleep… This whole Dave thing is still getting to me. Things were going so well when we didn’t talk, where I blocked him out. Just the occasional thought of him as certain songs played… Why didn’t I just keep it that way? Now this whole can of worms is opened… I hate me for thinking the way I do, but I seriously can’t change. If I’ve been wrong by someone, I’ll hold it against them forever. If I were in a desert with water and the girl that fucking messed with me elementary school was dying of thirst, I’d tell her to fuck off and eat sand. It’s terrible person to be…

I know full well I can’t ever be with Dave regardless of the nastiness mentioned here repeatedly. We are to alike and to different at the same time. That means we should be striking some balance, but we are such extremes that we don’t. I think I’m fucking humble, but he thinks I place myself on some sort of pedestal. I’ve worked for everything I have today, not many kids can say the same. Not just because I can, but because I’ve had to… The competitive edge would drive us apart in time anyhow. That’s not something isolated to Dave though, basically anything you can do I can do better… Both of us are in the IT field, but do relatively different work… As a female in the IT world, I’ve always felt the need to do the extra push to prove myself. With him, I would have to do it all the time. If he got a decent job, I would have to get a better job. If he did such and such thing, I would have to the such and such thing, but better (almost wanted to say gooder..haha). My mind just functions like that… Then the thing where I feel like I can’t ever trust him like I once did. Trust is built in many steps, but one step backwards and you lose it all. Or it goes something like that…

I never could’ve seen this far
I never could’ve seen this coming
Seems like my world’s falling apart

In a perfect world
This could never happen
In a perfect world
You’d still be here
And it makes no sense
I could just pick up the pieces
But to you
This means nothing
Nothing at all
Nothing, nothing at all
Nothing at all

The stupid thing that’s been on my mind lately as anyone would guess is Dave. I’m having this terrible time deciding whether I’m angry with him or that I still like him. One minute I’ll feel one way and just sway the other in the next. Thoughts of him are consuming a lot more time than I would like to admit. I don’t know if I ever really in love with him or was it just the idea of him, it’s totally confusing…

Last time we talked, he basically apologized for a recent spat we had. Just that isolated incident though, not of everything in the past… I know I’m thinking way to much into the whole thing, but it happens when I’m bored. He lied, he has never apologized for that. Not that it would really make a difference, the fact remains that he did it. I’m sure he continues to do it, which is irritating because of the fact he simply he has no reason to. More so that he never had a reason to lie to me. I’m sure there was some cheating too, but I can’t prove that one now…

Next thing is his new girlfriend, none of my fucking business really. However, he was talking her when we were still together which was totally disrespectful of me. Not that he cared much I suppose. I can’t imagine this new girl having anything that I couldn’t possibly have. The question that initially beckon me was exactly why her and not me? His reasoning was because she is more “worldly”, I never met the girl or nothing, but sounds dumb. How is he going to tell me that I’m sheltered? Been doing shit for me since I was a junior in high school. Sure I still live with my parents, but I bet the other girl does to. I’m sure she still fucking relies on mommy and daddy. I’ll sound like real ass if her parents are dead or something… Yet, I think I’m more than likely right my first assumption.

I bashed the hell out of him after he broke up with me, I’m sure this girl would do that same if she went thru what I did. Drive two fucking hours with tolls and have him ignore me…

Then there is that little part of me that still likes him, partly because he was the first guy where I felt like I really liked. Not some little crush like oh I think he is so hot or something. Quite honestly, Dave looks like a big freaking dork, but somehow I adored that. So I guess this is the part of me that wants to be with him. Yet, it doesn’t factor out in any way. I don’t have the time to spend with him in a real relationship, I won’t be happy with him because of many previously mentioned reasons, and don’t feel like I could ever trust him. It’s just like wanting something so bad, but once you get it, what then? You stop wanting it… I don’t know for sure if I’ll feel that way, but it seems like the most likely thing to happen given our history.

The right thing to do is stop thinking about it, because it gets more and more complex when I think about it…

Tom Petty said it pretty well: (I realize it’s kinda backwards too…)

Hey! don’t come around here no more
Don’t come around here no more
Whatever you’re looking for
Hey! don’t come around here no more

Stop walking down my street
Don’t come around here no more
Who did you expect to meet?
Don’t come around here no more
Whatever you’re looking for
Hey! don’t come around here no more
Hey! honey please, don’t come around here no more
Whatever you’re looking for
Ah, oh, ah, ah.
Don’t come around here no more

Wish I had it in me to just do what needs to be done and just be happy with that.

Edit: Just mad about things I can’t change, doesn’t matter… I’m crazy and just love to drive myself insane with these thoughts.