the times of kryptoniteglows

I’m sure I’ve stolen my title from some song or movie. I love a guy or think I do or think I did, but I hate him too. Now, I can’t even speak to him, not that I could before, but I do have so many things I wish I could tell him, things I wish I could of told him. All to late I guess. Goodbye that guy.

I like my job for the most part, but it’s the source of so much aggravation and unnecessary stress. I try to reason, if they knew how to do this, I wouldn’t have a job. Yet sometimes it’s so not my job to help you with that issue. I try and I try, but you act as if I’m the one that needs help. Wish I could say goodbye insane job and hello more sane job and more money too.

School, some classes I actually get some knowledge out of. I’ve actually found some of the things interesting, but then there is at least 50% of that other stuff or filler that I have to pay for that makes me want to shoot myself. Goodbye school, but I’ve invested so much time and effort for it all to be a waste.

Found this oldie while cleaning up some files, not exactly a goodie, but memories:

It was just about a month ago that I was officially told that I was the valedictorian for the class of 2004. I was ecstatic; a few years ago, I never thought I would rank anywhere in the top of the class. The only downside was having to deliver a speech at graduation. Almost anyone will tell you that that public speaking and I just do not mix. I am absolutely sure that I will have a mental breakdown once this is all over.

Making a speech seemed simple enough, except I realized I had no idea what I wanted to talk about. Many suggestions were given, the number one being to keep it short as we all want to get out of here. Well, I’ll try to or at least read fast.

All the suggestions helped, but they just did not feel like they were me enough. Being the resourceful person I am, I searched the internet for other speeches that were given at graduation. Among the perpetual pop-up ads, I found graduation speeches of all kinds, lengths, and various topics. All of them good in their own ways. I was amazed to find a speech about a “Calvin & Hobbes” comic strip, a quote from a book about yo-yoing, and even Snapple caps.

You heard me correctly, “Snapple caps”. Snapple drinkers will know that under the lid of their drink is a “Snapple Fact”. They range from physics to sports and just about anything else out there. The writer said he read a new Snapple cap each day and learned something new each day. One day he read a cap that said it was physically impossible to lick one’s own elbow. However, when he shared this so called fact with his friends, one said that’s not true and promptly licked her elbow! He quickly dismissed it as a physical anomaly and thought nothing more of it. A few weeks later, one of his friends decides to quiz him on a “Snapple Fact” about the fastest tennis serve. Being such a tennis savvy guy, the writer replies quickly that it was 149 MPH by a Greg Rusedski at the Indian Wells Masters Series Tournament in 1998. However, the writer is stunned that the cap says 154 MPH, he couldn’t argue since it was a Snapple Fact. Later that day, he decides to research that tennis statistic and finds the he indeed was correct, the cap was wrong! His world came crashing down on him. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that many of the facts were quite illogical and would make more sense if they weren’t true, I mean how could mosquitoes have 47 teeth (per Snapple Fact number 50) when humans have only 32? Then he thought back to what a Buddhist guest speaker had told them, “Only believe what you have experienced” which he now better understood.

The main idea behind that entire story was for you to seize every opportunity that you get because if you don’t, then you will know nothing more than what the Snapple caps tell you.

I would like to take a moment to thank all the teachers I have had over the years, special thanks to Mr. Garry. Also, Ms. Hoopes for her support and guidance. And to my mom and dad, Where is my car? < - my official podium manuscript had "cat" instead of "car"

Yes, I completely ripped my speech from another more creative kid.

Anyhow, haven’t been writing much lately, this bull shit expository writing class has got me sick at the thought of writing. Today, I actually went to class on time, only like 4 people showed up. So she had us doing some busy work on putting the thesis statement into our papers. Seriously, what the fuck lady, it’s week 4 out of a 5 week semester. Did you maybe think this was something you do at the beginning of the semester? Anyhow, screw that, I wasn’t wasting my time on writing about hurricane Katrina and making a thesis statement and left 15 minutes into the class. Would have been better if she was in the room when I left, but she tends to like to give us BS work and leave the room. If I had the time to be like the ballsy kid who got up in the middle of the class and said he was going to take something else. Wish I could of done that, but I fucking rearranged my entire schedule to take this damn class. I’m working till midnight which means I don’t go to bed till like 3 and I’m suppose to go to an 8 am class.

Speaking of schedules, UD has been dicking around with those. For a few hours a month or two back ago, they posted the schedules. I recall getting 3 BAUD classes. Figured it was cool since I only signed up for 4 classes and could probably pink slip into the 4^th class. Well, they “officially” posted them again like yesterday for a little while before taking them down again. This time around I noticed that I still have the 3 BAUD classes, but for one of them, they put me in a section I DID NOT ask for. I had no secondary choices for any of my classes, it was my way or no way. Looks like the section I wanted was full, so UD decided to stick me in the least full class. Which happens to be in the middle of the day MWF. Um, yea, NO that’s not gonna work. How hard is it to give me the classes I want and not give me classes I didn’t ask for? Seriously, shouldn’t I have some fucking priority with my classes… All this and they want to get paid by August 15^th? I don’t think that’s going to happen…

So I’ve signed up for 12 credits over the summer, I don’t know what the hell I’m thinking with that kinda schedule. Work work work and school school bleh. Plus it totally drains my funds, with the unexpected tuition cost I’m paying, I’m going to have live on like $800 for 3 months! Thank goodness I don’t pay rent… But it’s not going to be much after bills and gas. So after school is done I get to look forward to 8 am class in the summer.

I’m in ok shape for the semester if I don’t care about my GPA. I don’t even need a C- to pass finite, just any passing grade will do apparently. So maybe if I get a tutor before the final and cram my ass off I may pull it off, though I better not get the one that wanted to get into my pants like last time : /. Though I did pass that class… lol I’m one fucked up Asian, can’t do math, but can write awesomely… usually…

Today or yesterday, I slept until 2 pm! Well I got up at 9:30 and was like fuck it, I got nothing to do (well except a million things) and slipped under the covers to hide from the light. Eventually I did get up and did my laundry including wash my sheets. I feel like a tard because I’m using them again even though I have a second set made of like knit fabric or something. Flannel is for the winter, but oh well I guess, it’s pretty cold. I also moved my 27” crt out of my room to my other room. I had to move the tv stand that has been constructed for the last 2 months and unused too. It has a stupid swivel top that made it a total pain to lift a 27” crt tv on to. I finally got it on top of the stand, then spent like half an hour trying to get the top swivel part to align correctly because I moved it out alignment. I also got my speakers (which ironically cost more than the TV), but haven’t hooked it up. The tv stand is kinda to shitty for all the stuff I have. It’s not even solid wood construction. But my parents bought it so… yea… I’m to poor to get something more decent and I’ll never really enjoy it.

Poor poor poor is me, but apparently the FAFSA thinks I’m rich. My EFC was 16xxx! It included my parents into the mix, but the number is because of my savings and salary. I don’t know how they expect me spend over half my salary on school. Total suck! Time for some swiss bank accounts ;).

Lastly, I was honestly trying to avoid this, but Dave popped into my life again. Well, in some IMs, he is 4-5 hours away from me. Which is good thing, I think… I stopped talking to him months and months ago because of something he said. I don’t recall what, but it pissed me off at the time. I said I wasn’t going to talk to him for a week then a month and then a bunch of months pasted where I honestly was better off than worrying about him.

Now we are sorta talking, just like “old times”. I don’t like where it’s going. I think he is still with that chick, not that it matters. I know it’s a bad thing, but I can’t stop myself from going down that alley again. I’m trying to be cautious in how I go about this, because I’ll just so easily slip back into that whole “old times” thing. Yet part of me actually thinks I might be ruining a good thing by being so damn cautious. Just so freaking conflicted even when the right choice is so obvious. Stupid feelings and emotions might just get the best of me.

A list is necessary

- don’t trust him

- left/dumped me twice!

- smoker cough cough

- is an asshole (except I’m crazy and it may just count as a pro for him….)

- 4-5 hours away and gas is mega uber expensive

- was NEVER there when I needed him

- put me through emotional hell

- emotional hell counts twice

- didn’t even have the decency to break up with me both times without me bring it up first

- background is iffy and people don’t change

- dropout, not even college dropout

- constantly moving

- been treated better my gay b/f who had me as a cover gf, not expecting a whole lot, but tiny things do count….

- I’m leaving the country so it all doesn’t matter!

so fuck dave, now i feel a little better

Time for sleep and for me to regret it all in the morning because i’m a psycho bitch.

Day of green beers has come. Bleh. I didn’t even realize I took off on St. Patrick’s day until like just now because Google’s thing was green with shamrocks. I’m so unbelievably tired, but can’t sleep. I was up until 4 amish because I was trying to do my finite math homework, I can’t afford to miss any more questions or fuck up on any more test. The same goes for my international accounting class, I failed even with a curve! Now I’ve got a 10 page paper to write for the class and less than a week to do it! This is insane, finite test Monday, mid term in bus tele come Tuesday, and that 10 page paper due all next week. I gotta say I sure as hell glad I decided to keep this day off, maybe I’ll get some of this studying and all started. I’ve been such a fucking slacker that I’m literally failing more than half my classes and passing by just a thread in most of the rest.

This is due mostly to procrastination and not being able to concentrate when it comes down to the wire. I use to be good at it, but now everything seems to frustrate me, like I’ve reached the full capacity on my brain. I’ve literally had a headache from yesterday afternoon till today, think I’m going to have to pop some pills as much as I hate taking them because it’s almost unbearable. Or I need to take some sleeping pills because as much as I am lacking in that, I can’t force my body to just sleep at any given time. It’s stupid because I DO WANT to sleep.

I also am going nuts, I hated myself for not being able to let go a year ago and now a year later I’m mad that I can’t hold the little pieces. I’m afraid to get them back and I’m worried that I don’t even want them back, but this preoccupation with something so trivial is rather disturbing. I can’t even make the simple decision of whether to allow myself to want them or despise them. I do eventually get what I want, but what happens after I have it? Not a great track record on that….

EDIT: Now I see this quote that just seems to give the answer, but sadly and crazily I’m not willing to accept it….

The longer I am away from you, the more I realize I was never in love with you. I was only in love with the idea of you.

So wow, I almost wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t witnessed it myself tonight, 2 friends that I would say literally hated each other’s guts made good with each other. Still in the dark about the final details, but it’s still amazing to see that happen and if all went well, then I won’t have to feel torn apart between the two. The source of their conflict was just a girl, I won’t say what I think of her, but this is why I can’t stand girls.

So it’s got me thinking about some things I need to patch up sorta… There is no real reason to and I’ve been out of contact with them for months. I should just move on with, but at the same time, things feel unresolved and I find it hard to just move on it. I wish I could, but it’s an uneasy feeling inside because of the way things are. I can keep avoiding them and keep feeling this way, but I could talk to them and fix whatever this is up and maybe the feeling of unsettledness will go away? I’m just not sure if we talk, if it will really fix everything and if it doesn’t then I really put myself out there which would probably make me more uneasy. So is it worth it or not? I really the only one that can answer that, but I seriously just don’t know….

I also can’t quite decide between doing study abroad this year or next and if I should go to Europe or Australia. The Australia trip does cost a bit more, but it seems like it would be more fun of a trip. On the other hand, I have family in Australia so I could probably make that trip sometime later. Europe seems like it is interesting, but it’s probably just like America with an accent and bad teeth… The Europe trip does seem more scholarly focused, which is what study abroad is suppose to be, right? Watch me with all this indecisiveness end up Japan.

I’ve got so many exams coming up, finite test first thing Monday, ugh… I haven’t even studied and I haven’t really been awake for class. History test is coming soon too, seems I learn better if I go to the lecture then read the assigned chapter, it makes more sense than reading it straight thru as it just goes in and goes out like that. My networking class is a review of my high school course, a good gpa boost I guess. Then I’ve that accounting class that is insane, we meet with freaking graduate students in our class! A test very soon in that class too. I’m so behind in my XML class, 3 weeks in and I’ve hardly cracked the book. I spent so much time with my schema and it still doesn’t validate! GRRRR!

Anyhow, it’s time for a movie then dozing off to sleepy land. Tomorrow I’ll have to take my brother back home, do laundry, and shopping! Also, let’s not forget the studying for math and doing some catch up work in like all of my classes. I should of done those today, but I’m such a procrastinator.