the times of kryptoniteglows

Got to work be at work at 9 and well I can’t sleep… This whole Dave thing is still getting to me. Things were going so well when we didn’t talk, where I blocked him out. Just the occasional thought of him as certain songs played… Why didn’t I just keep it that way? Now this whole can of worms is opened… I hate me for thinking the way I do, but I seriously can’t change. If I’ve been wrong by someone, I’ll hold it against them forever. If I were in a desert with water and the girl that fucking messed with me elementary school was dying of thirst, I’d tell her to fuck off and eat sand. It’s terrible person to be…

I know full well I can’t ever be with Dave regardless of the nastiness mentioned here repeatedly. We are to alike and to different at the same time. That means we should be striking some balance, but we are such extremes that we don’t. I think I’m fucking humble, but he thinks I place myself on some sort of pedestal. I’ve worked for everything I have today, not many kids can say the same. Not just because I can, but because I’ve had to… The competitive edge would drive us apart in time anyhow. That’s not something isolated to Dave though, basically anything you can do I can do better… Both of us are in the IT field, but do relatively different work… As a female in the IT world, I’ve always felt the need to do the extra push to prove myself. With him, I would have to do it all the time. If he got a decent job, I would have to get a better job. If he did such and such thing, I would have to the such and such thing, but better (almost wanted to say gooder..haha). My mind just functions like that… Then the thing where I feel like I can’t ever trust him like I once did. Trust is built in many steps, but one step backwards and you lose it all. Or it goes something like that…

I never could’ve seen this far
I never could’ve seen this coming
Seems like my world’s falling apart

In a perfect world
This could never happen
In a perfect world
You’d still be here
And it makes no sense
I could just pick up the pieces
But to you
This means nothing
Nothing at all
Nothing, nothing at all
Nothing at all

The stupid thing that’s been on my mind lately as anyone would guess is Dave. I’m having this terrible time deciding whether I’m angry with him or that I still like him. One minute I’ll feel one way and just sway the other in the next. Thoughts of him are consuming a lot more time than I would like to admit. I don’t know if I ever really in love with him or was it just the idea of him, it’s totally confusing…

Last time we talked, he basically apologized for a recent spat we had. Just that isolated incident though, not of everything in the past… I know I’m thinking way to much into the whole thing, but it happens when I’m bored. He lied, he has never apologized for that. Not that it would really make a difference, the fact remains that he did it. I’m sure he continues to do it, which is irritating because of the fact he simply he has no reason to. More so that he never had a reason to lie to me. I’m sure there was some cheating too, but I can’t prove that one now…

Next thing is his new girlfriend, none of my fucking business really. However, he was talking her when we were still together which was totally disrespectful of me. Not that he cared much I suppose. I can’t imagine this new girl having anything that I couldn’t possibly have. The question that initially beckon me was exactly why her and not me? His reasoning was because she is more “worldly”, I never met the girl or nothing, but sounds dumb. How is he going to tell me that I’m sheltered? Been doing shit for me since I was a junior in high school. Sure I still live with my parents, but I bet the other girl does to. I’m sure she still fucking relies on mommy and daddy. I’ll sound like real ass if her parents are dead or something… Yet, I think I’m more than likely right my first assumption.

I bashed the hell out of him after he broke up with me, I’m sure this girl would do that same if she went thru what I did. Drive two fucking hours with tolls and have him ignore me…

Then there is that little part of me that still likes him, partly because he was the first guy where I felt like I really liked. Not some little crush like oh I think he is so hot or something. Quite honestly, Dave looks like a big freaking dork, but somehow I adored that. So I guess this is the part of me that wants to be with him. Yet, it doesn’t factor out in any way. I don’t have the time to spend with him in a real relationship, I won’t be happy with him because of many previously mentioned reasons, and don’t feel like I could ever trust him. It’s just like wanting something so bad, but once you get it, what then? You stop wanting it… I don’t know for sure if I’ll feel that way, but it seems like the most likely thing to happen given our history.

The right thing to do is stop thinking about it, because it gets more and more complex when I think about it…

Tom Petty said it pretty well: (I realize it’s kinda backwards too…)

Hey! don’t come around here no more
Don’t come around here no more
Whatever you’re looking for
Hey! don’t come around here no more

Stop walking down my street
Don’t come around here no more
Who did you expect to meet?
Don’t come around here no more
Whatever you’re looking for
Hey! don’t come around here no more
Hey! honey please, don’t come around here no more
Whatever you’re looking for
Ah, oh, ah, ah.
Don’t come around here no more

Wish I had it in me to just do what needs to be done and just be happy with that.

Edit: Just mad about things I can’t change, doesn’t matter… I’m crazy and just love to drive myself insane with these thoughts.

So I got a 3 day weekend, which is sweet except I had nothing planned. However, it’s still been fun. I got my Accounting I test all done and ready to turn in, have to be getting an A in that class. So woot! I met with UD the other day and as it turns out, I’m the one that has to many assets. Even if my parents reduce their assets, my expected family contribution is still awfully high. Take my assets down by 90% reduces my contribution by like half! Part of me thinks the only logical resolution for this matter is to buy one of these:


Of course we know I’m not that wild and crazy. Probably kill myself in the thing, but it was a nice thought… And I wouldn’t really appreciate it after the first week. It really comes down to getting a new (used luxury) car or moving out by next year. I have some reasons for moving out and some reasons for staying so I’ll see how those things pan out over the next few months…

Next on my list of rantings is I’ve been thinking about the thing that is driving me nuts. It’s silly that I can talk to everyone about it except the person that it really concerns. I think my feelings stem out of things that aren’t realistic. I think a large part of it is due to desire of wanting things I can’t have. Because I know if I have it, I’m not exactly going to be all that happy. I would expect change to happen for me to be happy, but people don’t change. And that is pretty much the end of the story there. Even if things did change, I’d be to scared to really engage myself expecting that they would hurt me like they have in the past, so basically we would be screwed either way.

On that same token, knowing all that I do and having it all make logical sense, I worry if I do nothing today that I will have major regrets tomorrow. I mean all these what ifs are going to make me always wonder about what could have been if I had done such and such thing. Part of the whole thing is that I myself have to change as well to and I’m more than willing to do that. Old habits die hard, but I really am willing to work towards change. I want to prove that to them, but back of my mind knows it won’t do any good now. Yet risking to do nothing and just sit by idly doesn’t help at all either.

An interesting dilemma…I’ll drink to it…. Haha, the thing I’ve noticed lately with my drinking is that my tolerance is still shitty, but I don’t seem to give a crap about the consequences of whatever I do. Liquid courage? Either way I’ve got to go pick up some alcohol soon. I don’t want to drink beer again. Last night should have defiantly been a hardcore drinking night, but everyone had to get up early and it’s just not that much fun like that.

Other news, the papers have been signed and I’m now officially a full time salaried employee. Salaried kinda sucks, because I get no overtime even if I do work it! Arg! More and more I think about, more that I see myself being screwed of this. However, it’s not a contact so I can always leave if things get to bad. Got my first real credit card finally! A tiny 1K limit, but better than the ones that were for only a few hundred bucks. Wish I had it earlier, because I’ve spent close to 4K this month. Oh well, I’ll use it to buy my expensive ass books. Each one of my professors seems intent on using 2 books and all of them being published in the last few months. So finding a used copy is hard not to mention expensive when you do. So better off just getting the new one and being like fuck it.

Time to go get my fun in for the weekend, got to work 9-6 tomorrow.

So I’m on the phone with tech support with Compaq, that they have outsourced to India and given the rep an English sounding name like “Mary”. I guess it’s not so bad, I can make out most of what she says. Anyhow, I’m calling because my screen has dead pixels! Like 8-10 of them! I don’t know if I had them from the beginning or not because I never bothered to check. However, since I’m now aware of it, I want it fixed of course! So going thru their diagnostic test which is reinstalling the drivers… they are gonna send the FedEx guy to come get my laptop and “fix” it at their repair center… So holding…

Finally done! Just, great gotta back my drive and then install their crap back on it! Ugh, I hate all that default crap!!

So today has been alright, was up until 4 am because I had to finish the Stewie Griffin movie.. It was ok, not really worth my sleep though. Would have gone to bed earlier, but somehow ended up talking to Dave… Nothing really interesting. Went to class late as usual, blah blah, and she gave us the test! The last test is a take home test! So I have off tomorrow and Friday, should be able to do decently on it :). I got to meet with someone at UD at 2 tomorrow, thinking of heading down to the beach for some sun and I guess that state fair thing. Don’t want to come back till Friday or Saturday before work, but looks like no one is down there now that I can stay with. Rather not pay the insane rates they are charging now because it’s like the end of the season. Everything is at peak rates! Can’t blame them, but I nixed my vacation at Ocean City because of it.

Also, I’ve signed my soul away again. I’ll be officially full time, should of started it at the beginning of summer instead of now, but oh well. I can’t really take a vacation now either because I have to work Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday from 1 PM to 12 AM. What torture, I’m going to see if I can it shifted somewhat, at least for August. During the school year, that is pretty much what I have to work and fit in classes.

I’ve got 4 classes on my schedule right now, which counts as a full time load. I can add one more class, which wouldn’t increase my tuition any. So of course I should add it, can’t let UD get more money out of me than they already do. However, I’m worried about balancing it all with working full time. I know it can be done, but am I that hard core? Revised for goal for college is finish a semester earlier or finish on normal schedule with a minor of some sort or maybe a second major. I think I like the graduating early one, just get the hell out of there…

I have a feeling, I’ll be going into a teaching stint for a little while. I don’t think it’s exactly my passion, but I enjoy it more than say other things… Which reminds me, should I go do any volunteering stuff in the fall? It’s hard to fit into my schedule, but it can be done. I can go mentor a kid like I did last year. I didn’t exactly like that so much though.

Still looking for a place to move, Mike hinted at the idea of getting a house with him and Frances. Which is kind of cool, I’m not into the whole apartment type thing anyhow. Never really lived in one and just weird having to feed quarters to the machine to do my laundry (which I still don’t know how to do!). The murder of Lindsey last semester is also kind of frightening, but it doesn’t really affect me much I don’t think. I don’t think I make anyone hate me enough that would make them want to kill me.

I’ve been in a rather good mood lately, a whole world of difference from how I was over the weekend. It seems like no big deal, but to me it is a bit troubling to go so easily between the 2 moods. I feel like I just kind of snapped over the weekend…. I had reason to, but I don’t feel it was exactly that that set me off. It was just some combination of it all I think, so no more drinking for me (I know, yea right… but I’ll try to stay away from it).

Being in a good mood, something is still bothering me. I can’t change a situation, but just want to so badly. It’s a bit insane and I feel compelled to call myself crazy because of it. I really have no power over the matter and nothing that I do within normal means will make a difference in the issue. However, it doesn’t stop me from thinking about it a lot. The funny thing is that I’m not sure if I keep thinking about it because I really want it to change or more because I’m fueled by what I can’t have. Just something I have to wait out and see the outcome, but doing nothing will make me regret it later so I don’t know what to do.

Grr like another hour before my slow 4200 RPM drive will copy all my files…

Akk, lost a toe ring. No big deal though, just sterling silver, and flip flop season is almost over. Maybe I’ll go get anther one anyway….

So yesterday I was in my insane psycho mood and today I feel totally ok except for stuff I fucked up because of yesterday. I don’t think it’s normal to have such crazy mood swings. Something is wrong with me, an imbalance of some kind…

I’m getting an A in Stats I! Woot! An A, not that it will matter once it transfers back to UD. With scholarships and what not, my balance at UD will be under $2k for this semester. They offered a small unsubsidized loan that would cover most of the remaining balance, but I’m not one to pay interest on stuff… No one at their office wants to pick up their phone to schedule something. I want to see if I can get something subsidized so that I don’t pay interest till I’m out of school or I’ll just have to deal and pay the cash. Gotta get books too! Of course I still got last semester’s books sitting around.

Just one week left of accounting I! Means, just 2 classes left! Yipee!

EDIT: Seriously, WTF is wrong with me? Randomly started crying like no less than like 5 times these past 2 days! I’m scared to go to work now :(.