the times of kryptoniteglows

So in a matter of less than 24 hours I’ve managed to go from ultra pissed to neutral ok to psycho bitch and just whatever else mood a person could have in between. I wish I could blame it on the vodka or it being that time of the month, but it’s really no excuse for the way I’ve been.

There are things I wish I could take back, but what has been done is done. I can’t undo or change them. Worse yet is it’s not over, at least not yet. Just kind of waiting for shit to hit the fan…

Looking at my actions, I don’t know why I did them, I just couldn’t stop myself. Even knowing it wasn’t right. Just madness going on in my mind, I should of stopped things before they begun. Yet, I didn’t and there I lie at fault for them. Certain things I just can’t understand, like this empty feeling when doing something with someone. It’s kind of like warning that things will go bad; I had the same feeling the last few times I was with Dave. Being right there with them, but feeling so detached from it.

I would love to blame Dave for being the root of all my troubles, but unfortunately that would be a rather weak argument that I couldn’t even justify in any coherent manner… However he plays a small role thru no fault of his own. I’ve been thinking I miss him and I guess trying to fill that void somehow where I felt safe and secure with him. Kind of missing the way that he use to make me feel, but at the same time knowing it’s impossible for that to happen between us again.

I’ve blamed myself over and over for a while about what happened, but no matter what I would have done, things would be the same as they are now. I use to think maybe if I had just taken blame and what not, that we could still be together. However, the truth stands that he was in to another girl even when he had me right there. It wouldn’t have worked no matter how hard I tried. It’s a real daunting feeling to know that there is nothing you can do to change matters.

Yet at the very same moment, I know I’m better off without him. Last semester I was able to do so much more because I wasn’t so consumed by feeling that I had to spend time with him. It wouldn’t have worked well with me trying to do so many things and still spend meaningful time with him. Just for example, the summer, if I were still with him. I totally wouldn’t be working this job or taking the classes I’m taking. I would probably downgrade myself to some job in Hicksville just so I could be close to him and be able to spend time with him. Taking my current priorities into account, he wouldn’t be anywhere in the top. My goals and objectives just don’t include him or he would be a hindrance on them. Of course it saddens me that he has a girlfriend that reminds him of me. It’s just weird… Though Dave has been pretty freaking weird lately…

Now to a different matter, I’m starting to feel a little excited that school is starting again. I will definitely miss the laziness I have now, but I can’t wait to get back into the routine of class, work, and hitting the gym. There is a certain euphoria from a good workout, so hopefully I can schedule blocks of time to hit the gym even with full time work and class. If not, my desk job will make my ass incredibly huger.

This week I really need to take care of going full time work stuff, pay UD their ridiculous tuition, starting looking at places to move to, and catch up in accounting. I’m so behind in that class, I even have the book right in front of me right now, but I’ve wasted a good amount of time just writing this.

And I got into a cat fight! I lost:

Hangovers blow! My thumb hurts because Peanut Butter got me, she is one awesome kitty though. Goes absolutely nuts over her toys leaps amazing distances in the air. Anyhow, had more than I could really safely tolerate last night, my tolerance has really gone in the shitter because I haven’t drank anything heavy in the past couple of months.

It made me do some stupid shit like talking to Dave and his friend about things I really shouldn’t have. Not so much as made, just that I didn’t really care about their implications then, now I’m like SHIT! Haha, oh well I suppose.

My LCD now has dropped over $50 in price in the course of a week! Arg, I’m angry now because it will probably even drop more before Dell’s quarter is over. To bad I couldn’t wait just a tiny bit later. If the price falls anymore, I’m tempting to get another one and run duals! Not that I have the space on this desk to do it though. Which was the reasoning for not getting the 24” or the dual 17”+. 15” duals could maybe fit, but just maybe.

My brother somehow managed to fry his mobo, his capacitors blew or some shit like that. The kid is constant breaking stuff! Luckily for him he never has to spend money to get new stuff because I always have something to give him. The bum has my calculator that he was only going to borrow for like 2 years and counting now. Has had my Duron box for a while, now he’ll probably get my 2.4 GHZ dell. I originally promised it to my mom because my brother is retard and plays games all day. So I rather him suffer on his 750 mhz Duron while my mom got my nicer box. Not that she needs it, all she does is looks at stocks online.

Stats I should be done, and just a about 2 weeks left of Accounting I. Then I shall be heading in to a full time schedule for work.

So I got my LCD! Yay! Except I could have saved $25 had I waited a few more days, oh well I suppose. The new box which I’m typing this on has been setup mostly, hardware wise anyhow. I’ve got loads of applications to install into it.

So I’ve got:

Oh yea, I was going to name it “Green” to stick to my naming convention of naming the computer by color, but that is getting confusing with the number of computers… So the name of this machine is “Kryptonite”. stolen means I took it from my Dell machine because I don’t got the funds to buy anymore stuff now. I plan on getting a gig stick of memory for this machine, but I think I can hold out on that for a while. Best deal so far was $90 at the egg for a stick of Mushkin, I haven’t really had pleasant experiances with them so I rather get my trusted Crucial or try Corsair. 400 GB of disk space and a DVD burner should last me a while. The video card on the other hand will probably be the first thing to upgrade. With the new 7800, the 6800 are dropping to reasonable ranges. Still spending $200 on a video card is a bit beyond me right now.

So the heavy rains last night cause us to lose power at work just as we were leaving. Some of the overnighters that were coming in had warned us of the power being out so the lights outside were dead for traffic. Anyhow, the power goes off like just as I’m logging out. Haha, the PCs and the network run off UPS so they were ok. The lights just went off and I think the A/C cut.
So the building goes from being brightly lit to very dim outside of our office. Team Leads or whatever start calling the owners to let them know the power went out, but the generator kicked in. Hehe, we kiddingly joke about psychopath killers coming to get us in the office, very idea conditions for a psychopath killer to strike! Anyhow, nothing much else we techs can do so we head toward to leave and one of the building alarms go off! Seriously, the first thing that struck my mine was like oh shit! The killer is coming for us, even though I knew that was rather unlikely. Anyway, me and a head worker head out of the building and as we exit the building alarm goes off, so that’s what it was. The door normally requires a key pass to enter and since the power was out, there was no back up power for it or something… As we go outside it is completely fucking dark! Like literally couldn’t see anything! I gotta say I was actually scared because it was almost complete darkness and all you hear is the rain and loud back up gasoline generator! Never have I been so thankful for keyless entry into my car! If it wasn’t for that, I’m sure it would have took me quite a long time to get into my car. Drive home was terrible, but as I headed back towards the city, there were more lights. Didn’t stop for gas even though my car is in the red part! Also, part of the reason I didn’t go out to Middletown to hangout. That would have really been suicide…

I like I said knew before what classes I was registered for, but didn’t know what sections. Turns out that I didn’t put alternates expect for 2 of my classes and those were the 2 classes that have no open seats left… The other 3 classes, I selected one sections and if I didn’t get it, I was like screw it! So right now, I just need to add one more class and figure what section I am in for Accounting II. My schedule right now is fairly spread out, though I didn’t manage to pull that no classes on Friday off . I’m fairly happy and I’ll be talking with work about going full time. I need the benefits! And I’ll be seeing if I’m going to be moving out to Newark. Need a place closer to work and school… Also, wondering about the tax implications of going full time, I think I’ll try to speak with my parent’s accountant. (the financial accounting I’m doing in class are different from tax accounting) My parents will probably all try to get me to claim them as dependants so they can use my benefits from work and all that craziness. I also want to pay no taxes! Well, on my paycheck anyhow. I did a calculation and the government would be taking out close to 10k in taxes from my check over the course of a year. I want to have automatic withdraw grab the amount I would have paid into one of my savings account and earn interest on that bit of money. I’m sure I would have gotten back most of that money anyhow.

Last thing, order the LCD, the new box is here. It is slugging with only 256 MB of RAM. No way can I run a machine like, especially with onboard video taking a quarter of that. Big no no! I don’t think that widescreen LCD will run on that integrated video, so new video card has gotten to bought soon for my uber system. I don’t know if I want to just steal my gig of RAM from the current box or just buy a new gig of RAM. I mean, RAM is so freaking cheap now a days. I paid like $160 for the 1 GIG last year, but this year it could literally be had for just 25% of that! Or does that mean I should get 4x the amount of RAM? Haha, the most I can do mobo is of course only 2 GIG, a drawback of going prebuilt. Not to mention the ridiculous loads of junk they install on there…

Enough writing, I’m hungry so I’m heading out to eat .

So now I’m like $450ish poorer because I decided I wanted a Dell 2005FPW, a 20 inch wide screen LCD. I’ve been waiting for the price on this thing to drop… for about 2 weeks. Haha, I really wanted to wait till it was under the $400 range, but looks like it’s not going to happen anytime soon so I bought it now. It will go nicely with my computer coming tomorrow! I still need a video card for it… Anyhow, mom is pissed at me for spending $450 on a monitor because her sole friend in the world got a complete system for $200 and here I am spending over double on just a monitor. I admit part of it is a waste, but to me it’s worth it. She was all like we haven’t bought a house so there is no one to impress with your monitor. I was like WTF of course, certainly didn’t buy it to impress anyone. If I did, I would have sprung for the 24” LCD… Anyhow, the value of money is different to everyone. Time and time again I get into arguments about how terrible my spending habits are, but like I said, the value of money is different to everyone. For me, having the monitor gives me greater benefits than having $450 to spend on other things. Or really more in my case to pay bills. On the same token I feel like I must mention I rather have the 8K in my bank account than going to get me the best car 8K is going to buy me. Actually I have more than that to spend on a car, but really I rather have the money especially when I have a car that drives for now. I really want my next car to be something with amazing power. I want that thing to accelerate quick!

Been thinking as well, I’m feel like I’m for sure going to take the full time position and do full time school right along with it. Kinda plan on moving out to some place in Newark to be closer to well school and work and everything else in my life. Also, should make some plans to talk to financial aid and see if I can get anything else, maybe even something like a subsided loan. With my scholarships and cash, I only have about half of what I need by August 1. Plus I ‘m going to have to buy those darn books. Even expensive when used…

Anyhow, never made it down to the real beach. I settled for the fake beach, got a bunch of pictures, 2 of them are in my coppermine picture thing (see link to the right).