the times of kryptoniteglows

I hate not being able to sleep. I’ve been up since like 8 this morning, went to school (first Monday!), my lab, and work till over midnight. Came home around 1 and worked on some homework to almost 3. So I should be out like a log now.

I think I’m up because I have to many things on my mind. So many things that I want people to know, yet I’m scared of actually saying them out loud to the people that should be hearing them. Even here I can only hint at the things that I want to say. It definitely bothers me that I’m like that. I’m totally weirded out by people that I know reading this, there are people that I hope never see this like ever such as my family. A guy from work found this (not that it was hard…) and I was just nervous over it. I mean I really don’t care if people see this, if I did then I would have taken some measures to make it private. However, because I put this stuff down then it was meant to be shared or else it would have stayed in my head. I guess I worry about what people will think of me from reading this, especially those that don’t know me well. Close friends would get my constant ranting, but someone on the outside may think I’m a whiney bitch. They might not know my situation or anything like that.

I’m worried too, like the whole house thing. I’m feeling like my house is kinda small now, but being a college kid it isn’t bad, but I’m wondering if I should just wait longer and get a bigger house or just get what I can now.. I really am taking that dropping school thing into high consideration because I can make it without the degree.

If I don’t drop school then I’m going to have to take at least 4 credits over winter session because I need enough credits to be a junior. Otherwise I’m going to have very slim and crappy classes to pick from that will basically be a waste of a semester. By the time that winter session starts, I’ll be closer to school so that it won’t be such a big deal of having to go to class every for the same class…

So I just randomly clicked on something else and it basically talked about how people die in real life, but they just don’t die on the internet… Kind of true in a sad way, there is stuff on the internet that has been sitting there for a decade. Makes me think about this wordpress thing because it’s been cached in Google and is probably archived at least in part somewhere besides just the servers at my hosting company. I could die tomorrow and this journal could still say on for months, making it look like I’m still alive, but just busy or taking a break. It’s kind of sad, but I don’t get to see my friends as much as I like because our schedules clash. I’ll be done for the day at school heading off to work when they are just starting classes for the day and the same vice versa.

So if I did die tomorrow, what could I say I even accomplished? I really don’t know, I didn’t make a difference and doubt I ever will, at least in the grand scheme of things. My life insurance benefactors will get some cash to spend, but the world will basically be the same without me in it. Dyga and I like to talk about the world around us and how eventually it will all collapse… Actually better not to get into it because it gets complicated…
I forgot where I was going to go with that, but I feel like crap from lack of sleep and nutrition. I’ve been eating nothing but crap for 2 months because I don’t have time for real food. I am so going to just like die soon and none of these things I’m planning will matter nor will the things I have done matter…interesting…

I want to be brutally honest, but I’m so fucking scared of the repercussions. Sometimes I think I can do no worse in a situation and there I go to do something to make it even worst than before. Once you do something in life, there isn’t really an undo button or a backspace key and control+z just doesn’t work. The reset button doesn’t exist and the power off is permanent.

Just remembered I need to go back to the house today because I was the on Sunday and forgot to check if the doors were locked. That’s an odd thing about me… like every single one my friends don’t lock the door at their house. It’s not something I’m use to coming from a household that double bolts the steel reinforced double sets of doors. A bit of exaggeration, but someone could literally get locked inside of my house if they weren’t careful. I also have a habit of knocking before going into someone’s house, but my friends are like just walk right on in, no need to knock. That is just to “liberal” for me. So I feel like a freak for worrying about the doors being locked on my empty house that has absolute nothing in it except some sinks.

My head is getting heavy and my eye lids are closing so I think it’s time for me to sleep.

I also wanted to add to the dumb blonde bitch blowing smoke out of her face hole today, you deserve to have a fucking carton of lit cigarettes to be shoved down your throat!!! To the other chick that sat like right fucking next to be with her lit cigarette, show some fucking consideration and smoke your cancer stick in a corner that is far fucking away from me. Hack hack cough cough…

Now even more to add, READ THIS!!!

Well, if you are going to read it, these dumb parents locked their kids in a 3×3 cage! Not like they have 1 or even 3 kids, they had 11! 9 of the kids were placed in these cages that were built into the walls! WTF…