Green day!
March 17th, 2006
Day of green beers has come. Bleh. I didn’t even realize I took off on St. Patrick’s day until like just now because Google’s thing was green with shamrocks. I’m so unbelievably tired, but can’t sleep. I was up until 4 amish because I was trying to do my finite math homework, I can’t afford to miss any more questions or fuck up on any more test. The same goes for my international accounting class, I failed even with a curve! Now I’ve got a 10 page paper to write for the class and less than a week to do it! This is insane, finite test Monday, mid term in bus tele come Tuesday, and that 10 page paper due all next week. I gotta say I sure as hell glad I decided to keep this day off, maybe I’ll get some of this studying and all started. I’ve been such a fucking slacker that I’m literally failing more than half my classes and passing by just a thread in most of the rest.
This is due mostly to procrastination and not being able to concentrate when it comes down to the wire. I use to be good at it, but now everything seems to frustrate me, like I’ve reached the full capacity on my brain. I’ve literally had a headache from yesterday afternoon till today, think I’m going to have to pop some pills as much as I hate taking them because it’s almost unbearable. Or I need to take some sleeping pills because as much as I am lacking in that, I can’t force my body to just sleep at any given time. It’s stupid because I DO WANT to sleep.
I also am going nuts, I hated myself for not being able to let go a year ago and now a year later I’m mad that I can’t hold the little pieces. I’m afraid to get them back and I’m worried that I don’t even want them back, but this preoccupation with something so trivial is rather disturbing. I can’t even make the simple decision of whether to allow myself to want them or despise them. I do eventually get what I want, but what happens after I have it? Not a great track record on that….
EDIT: Now I see this quote that just seems to give the answer, but sadly and crazily I’m not willing to accept it….
The longer I am away from you, the more I realize I was never in love with you. I was only in love with the idea of you.